7.30.2007

Handwriting


According to a handwriting analysis I just completed, I am:

- extroverted
- gregarious
- emotionally responsive
- trusting
- uptight
- aloof
- callous
- focused
- defensive
- a leader

Oh, and I cling to my own ideals. Surprisingly, that about sums me up, with the exception of me being aloof. I wouldn't say I'm ever incredibly distant to anyone unless I have good reason to be. And it did also claim that because I don't put any bars at the top and bottom of my capital I's, my parents aren't quite the driving force in my life that they should be, which is entirely incorrect. I would never call my parents emotionally distant or absent.

Ah, well. It's like reading tea leaves. You're going to suffer... but you're going to be happy about it? I'll take it with a grain of salt. Though when you think about it, Ron was sort of right, wasn't he?

7.29.2007

Fiction - Hollow


It had been days without reprieve. The harsh wind rolled across the countryside in a torrent of Spring thunderstorms, flooding the low ground encircling the stone cottage. The little house was perched on the highest hill for several miles, surrounded by a stretch of fields dotted by blunt boulders and peculiar outcroppings of slate-colored rock. When there were no storms, a low mist hung heavily over the grass. It seemed an eternal obstruction, keeping those on the outskirts of the cloud from peering across the meadows. By all accounts the landscape was desolate, though perhaps not uninhabitable. The occasional curl of smoke rising from the chimney on the hill was its only sign of life.

Inside the cottage, she stoked the embers with a thin, gnarled stick, sending sparks onto her skirt. Droplets of water fell into the chimney as the rain passed overhead, sizzling and evaporating in the flames. A cat meowed feebly from the shadowy corner, its yellow eyes wide and unblinking like twin lamps. She was hungry. They were hungry. But the deluge of rain had destroyed the garden. She told herself it didn't matter. The vegetables had been sickly anyway; the result of no sunlight due to the unyielding mist. Not enough to sustain one, let alone two.

It had been four months since she arrived in this place. On this hill. In this mist. Without meaning to. Each day had been etched into the surface of the small wooden table in the hearth-room. The cat had watched curiously as she made vertical scratches down its length. She only knew the number, never the month's name. She had forgotten many days ago where she had come from. And now she knew she couldn't leave. Why she knew this, she wasn't sure. A vague sense of certainty had stolen over her in the days she spent alone in thought. She had asked the cat, but he had only meowed and rubbed against her legs as if to say, "I'm sorry, but I'm stuck, too."

In her first week at the cottage, she found a cracked mirror in the cramped bedroom and was surprised to find her long red hair turning dark at the ends, her skin sallow and stretched, and her once startlingly blue eyes tinted pale gray. A trick of the light, she told herself.

Over time, however, she began to suspect the mist. The ever-present haze that seeped into every crevice of the stone house, every pore on her face, and filled her lungs so that when she breathed, she could taste the dampness in her mouth. Each time she opened the door to walk around to the garden, the vapor pressed in from all sides, compressing her chest. It was sometimes so burdensome that she was forced to abandon her attempt and retreat back indoors. It was days like this she was surprised she was able to start a fire in the grate at all. Curiously, it nearly always stirred to life. Perhaps the hearth was a vestige of an earlier, happier time when the fog hadn't existed. She couldn't say.

The mist was the entity most culpable of preventing her escape. She came to be sure of this. But as the days passed, she grew used to its presence. She stopped gazing in the mirror for fear of finding herself more gaunt and colorless than the morning before, letting her hair become more matted and wild with each passing day. She became steadily more disoriented, forgetting where she was for long expanses of time, only to wake up beside the fireplace hours later, the cat curled up next to her stomach, wondering what time it was, what year it was, what season.

Then the rain started. Drops plummeted from the sky, drumming on the roof of the little cottage without pause for days on end. And she came back to herself for a few moments when, stepping out into the pouring rain, she felt the icy beads of water strike her hands, her feet, her eyelashes. She ran down the hill through the newly-formed puddles and straight out into the field as far as she could go, stopping only when the wind picked up, lashing at her face and stinging her eyes; when the rain began to come down in sheets and thunder rumbled across the clouds. She became frightened, and struggled back through the gale to the house, where the cat soon began pawing the puddles of water she brought in through the door.

Worrywart


As the summer comes to a close - 19 more days until I move into McDavid with the rest of the FARCers (Fine Arts Residential Community... ers) - the anticipation and eagerness that I felt in June for school to recommence is waning. I have one more week of work (grace à dieu), two weeks without my parents (they're celebrating their 25th anniversary by taking a trip across the country), one week without my best friend (she's visiting her significant other in Michigan), and about three weeks attempting to see my boyfriend at least more than once before the long-distance stretch begins, as he lives in a gilded cage made of bribes and financial support (long story).

It's a lot to process. Moving forward, people going their separate ways, leaving things behind. I want the freedom that comes with being at school, but my brain isn't ready to tackle the 18 credit hours I've thrown at it (perhaps unwisely). I'm excited for my publishing internship, though reading 20 short stories a week in addition to the rest of my schoolwork might be a bit much... especially if I'm going to attempt to toss in the same amount of socializing I did this past semester. Without violin studio things might be a tad less stressful. I'm just worried about talking to Prof. Szekely about stopping. I did forewarn her at the end of last semester that my workload was too heavy to keep up with lessons, but I'm not quite sure she really processed my situation. Music types forget that not everyone is as dedicated to their craft as they are. She graduated from Julliard... that's all I'm going to say. But then one must ask, why is she working for the University of Missouri? Our orchestra department blows. Or, well, it isn't of any note, at least.

In the friend department... certain things are worrisome. Casey and I are going to get along fabulously as roommates, I can just feel it. Aside from that, the Jim and Sayeed combination is going to be interesting. If only they wouldn't harbor the same love interest. :sigh: More roommate turmoil has already surfaced where Gabs is concerned, as Jane decided to live in Campus View Apartments without telling her until very recently, meaning Gabs will be stuck with someone random. A very classy move by Jane. Downright swanky. She's been an extremely sophisticated person ever since she started dating Jeff... ahem. And then there's the fact that Gabs, Liz, Jim, Ben, and Johnny will have already been at school for a week prior to Sayeed and I's arrival because of Marching Mizzou. They tend to get a little chummy, and I'm worried about feeling incredibly separated from their group. I've never met Johnny face-to-face, either. He's Ben's best friend from high school (a freshie, oh goody), and he seems to have a unique sense of humor, generally likable. The truth is, I think he and Gabs are going to hit it off really well, and I'm worried she'll pull a Jane and desert everyone for better company. I'm probably over-analyzing everything to death, but my fears are still simmering away under the surface.

You would think college would be rather freer from drama than high school... a naïve hope, really. However, I can't afford to spend the rest of my summer stressing about what-ifs and could-bes. I need a good smack in the face and a sense of purpose. I should start making lists and taking inventory of everything I need for school. That and stop sitting around the house all day being useless.

Sounds like a plan. Or at least something vaguely resembling one...

7.28.2007

Poetry - Half Asleep On A Monarch's Wing


Finally kicking this thing into gear with a poem I wrote in 2006. Enjoy.

half asleep and I want to cry
ocean tears
for the expanse of what I feel

a sullen saline
stings the edges of untouched lashes,
and the pain is
d i s c o n n e c t e d
and irrational

I want to spill out emotions just for
the sake of spilling out emotions,
and no, not for anyone else

just me

that's what happens when you
run out of ideas to
drown out the sound of the ticking clock,

hitched unwillingly to the wall like a new
Christ nailed to his own martyrdom,
splayed hands stretched round

West and East
Nine and Three

the connection ensured by polar opposites;
magnetic and alluring as the
pull of his scent on the wind,

the sensation of whispers on naked flesh,
promises kept, and
promises forgotten

we don't know yet, though
so I'll just place this butterfly's wing
behind opaque glass for the
time being

and when the air strikes in its final release,
perhaps it will crumble without the scaffolding,
and the wind will sting my eyes

and

ocean tears
will fall for the expanse of what I feel,
just for the sake of feeling something

sooner or later
we all have to wake up,
and half-asleep will disappear
—a sacrifice with the tide,

a lone Monarch wing in its wake